Old Shirts

Okay...here we go.

It's been 2 weeks and 4 days since you left and I'm devastated! I go to bed at night hugging old shirts that smell like you and I wake-up to old shirts that smell like you. But it's NOT you!!! My heart is broken and the pain I feel is unbearable. My body aches and my mind spins, lost in time, because I want you back so bad. My heart feels like a roaring train pounding through my chest as I think of you and it feels impossible to breathe. I have survived 2 freaking weeks without you and it feels like years. I miss you so bad Barrier that I would give ANYTHING to touch your face, hear your voice, see you pull in the driveway, get a phone call from you, hold your hand, wake-up beside you. ANYTHING.

I'm sorry I didn't save you.

I could have saved you.

Life to me (without you) doesn't seem to exist. I walk around our house and get lost in the images of you playing the guitar, sitting with Charlie on the couch, having a beer on the back porch, walking in the door, etc. I thought I knew what pain felt like but I was wrong. The pain of losing you is horrible but the pain of wanting you back is so much worse! I met with my counselor for the first time yesterday and I actually really like her. She told me to surround myself with good images and happy memories of you but I can't seem to do that. Right now anyway. I feel like I'm in a big black hole and the only one who can save me is you...and your not here. I'm so mad at you for leaving me. I know your at peace but I'm not. My world is shattered into a million pieces and I've never felt so alone. My body literally aches when I think of you never coming back and my brain feels numb from shock. I took you for granted and look what happened. Your the greatest man, husband and friend I will ever know and nothing or no one will ever compare. What am I going to do without you Bear?????

People keep telling me that I am so "lucky" to have had such a great love. How does that stupid quote go? "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"? I don't feel that way. I was supposed to have the rest of MY life to love you and I only got 8 short years. What I would give to have had a child with you. Something to remind me of you, everyday. Because right now I am terrified that I may forget you. A child with your kind heart, gentleness and spirit. Although I do have Charlie! As I sit here typing, he's laying behind me on the chair, my back to his. He misses you too. We all do. The dogs follow my every move and have now started looking at me like I'm crazy.

How can I live? Why does everyone else seem to be "living" and my world spins in circles. Literally. I feel a constant dizziness with every thought and my body feels like it's turning inside-out. I don’t feel you around me and it makes me sick. I thought I would feel or hear you but I don’t. Why? I feel selfish and cheated. I also feel sorry for you...because your going to miss out on "our" life. It's only 9:16 in the morning and I already hate the day. I hated yesterday and I hate tomorrow!!! I never knew I could hate so much but I do.

I HATE you left me.
I HATE I didn't save you.

Barrier, please come back. I want you back. I need you back. I have to have you back.