I'm mad! So mad! I have had an awful 2 weeks of desperately missing you! Tonight I got home and for the first time, I put on the last shirt you ever wore. It still smells like you...maybe it doesn't but I want to believe it does so bad. Have I forgotten what you smell like? I think if I let myself believe that, I would fade away. So I'm okay with possibly letting my mind trick me. I will hold onto anything that makes me feel like your somewhere around me. I'm an absolute mess without you and I'm truly scared that I will never be okay. The pain I feel is so unbearable at times...and for some reason, those times are starting to reveal themselves more and more often. I made myself believe that with time, it may get easier, but it seems to be the complete opposite. I not only lost you on October 23rd, but I lost me. My Mom and Dad lost pieces of a daughter. Alex, Cade and Tanner lost pieces of a sister. I just want to be with you. Thats all I want.
Do you know what it feels like to have a heart that struggles to beat without you? There are no words to describe what it feels like to know that it could possibly be a very long time before I see you again. I want to scream and give up. Do you even hear me????? And if you do, why don't you give me some hope so I can survive this miserable life without you? I don't want to hate. I don't want to be bitter and mad. I don't want to lose faith. I just can't believe your gone. I am in this ALONE. Yes...I have more friends and family than anyone could ask for, but I am alone in my pain. It's a daily struggle to find any reasoning in your death. You literally consume my thoughts every minute of every day. It;s enough to make anyone want to surrender. On one hand, I want to say "damn it, I am going to survive this" and on the other, I want to say "enough is enough, I'm tired of the pain".
I feel mad at you also because I lost my grandfather 3 months ago and I can't bring myself to grieve his death because you consume my every thought. I feel nothing. I feel nothing but the misery of losing you. I feel like I have missed out on my brothers and sister lives because I can't get beyond my thoughts. I care. I care so much about my family but I feel absent in their lives because I'm consumed with the misery of losing you. I literally just "try to survive" every damn day. I've gotten REALLY good at putting on a happy face...and that scares me. Because after the day is done, I come home alone and desperately grieve for you. Every night. It's horrible. It feels like my insides are being ripped out and trampled on. I'm shocked I still a have heart that feels for anyone else other than myself because I worry sometimes that I will grieve to the point of non-existence.
I'm TIRED:
Of waking up without you
Of cooking dinner for 1 every night
Of not being able to hear you, touch you, see you
Of crying
Of wanting to give up
Of feeling physically sick at the thought of your absence
Of questioning my existence
Of not living...just merely existing
Of making myself tread through the hours of the day
Of crying myself to sleep and having nightmares due to the constant re-play of October 23rd
Of trying to figure out why God took you and not ME?
Of just wanting to go to sleep and have a "good" dream of you near me. Has never happened.
I'm tired of hating myself for not being in the bed with Bear that night...If I would have been by his side, I would have heard him, felt him, saved him. And he would still be here. So to: Clemmie, Jam, Mrs. Angie and Mr. Van, I am so sorry. To: My Mom, Dad, Cade, Tanner, Alex, and everyone else. I'm so sorry.
I will never forgive myself for not being there when he needed me the most. I will/and do live with that guilt every day of my life. I failed him and ultimately failed all of you. It's unforgivable.
Do you know what it feels like to know that he may have been struggling and I was NOT there? I'm a light sleeper, so I know in my heart, that I would have known that something was wrong. But I wasn't there. I'm the only one that could have kept him alive and I wasn't there! I wonder all the time if he laid there wondering where I was. Did he reach for me across the bed and find nothing? Do you know what it feels like to think that he may have called out for me and I never showed??? He never would have failed me like I did him. Maybe thats why God left me here...to punish me for failing Bear. I get that.
Every day is a lifetime without you
8/21/12
5/10/12
Picking Up Where I Left Off
I have had a million people ask me why I wasn't writing anymore and the truth is... I have not been writing on my blog because it seems to re-open horrible wounds that I've gotten really good at patching-up and ignoring but I've decided that I need to "deal" again in order to heal in the healthiest manner. It's hard to come back here though. I'm usually at a loss for words or I'm simply afraid of what words will come out when I start typing. Feelings are feelings but they seem more intense when I put pen-to-paper and actually re-read my thoughts. I just got through scanning over some of my past posts and I can't believe what our families have been through and that I'm still here...standing. Reading back, it makes me so thankful for God's patience and the amazing people that have walked beside me, step-by-step, through this unimaginably horrible time in my life. I believe the last time I posted anything was in February and so much has happened since then. Among many things, I sold our home, celebrated Bear's 30th Birthday without him, lost my Grandfather and moved to Birmingham. I am now getting ready to attend Clemmie's college graduation (he would be so proud) and celebrate my first birthday without him since I was 19.
*When I take the time to reflect on my grief process...where I have been and where I am now, I would like to think that I am doing okay. On a day-to-day basis, these are a few things that have gotten a little better/easier:
- I don't dread getting out of the bed every morning and I usually do it without tears now
- I smile a little more
- I can go a few days without an absolute breakdown...and thats a HUGE accomplishment
- I don't feel sick to my stomach every time I hear his name. I use to cringe because I would look for him when I heard "Barrier". I guess I've gotten use to it.
- Being "alone" is starting to feel somewhat normal.
- The feeling of absolute hopefulness is not as "constant" now as it was in the past. And when this feeling presents itself, I have more strength to push it away.
- I'm learning how to wade through the emotional aftermath alone...and not call a friend or family member every time I have a breakdown. There's only so much you can explain to people and the rest is so private.
- The overwhelming panic attacks are getting fewer and far between and I welcome this with open arms.
- I sleep a little bit better ... sometimes
*Things that have not changed:
- I can't get used to being alone at night...it's the hardest part of my day.
- Certain pictures still knock me to my knees.
- The trauma of Barrier's death (from me finding him, screaming, pleading with God...to burying him and picking out a headstone) still shakes me to my core and I'm certain the effects of that awful day will never dissipate and it will never leave me. It's a part of who I am now and forever will be.
- The whole "widow" label...very weird and very hard to get used to. People automatically look at you different when you say the word and I hate it.
- The images. Those horrible images of that day are instilled in my mind forever and present themselves on a very regular basis in mini-episode fashion. I know in my heart that they will be with me forever. They may fade in time but they will never leave me.
- I'm still waiting. For what, I don't know.
- Trying to find balance again seems impossible at times
- People still don't talk about Barrier as much as I would like them to. Not talking about him makes me feel like he didn't exist sometimes
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Barrier,
I can't put into any amount of words what I would tell you if I had the chance at one more conversation. Each waking minute brings the possibility of a thought that has the unwelcome power to throw me back into my "old life" with you. Each time one of these moments presents itself, I struggle with the question of whether or not I should crumble into a million pieces and melt into a pile of grief or push it aside with the courage to continue on. If I could have one more conversation with you I would want to hear you say that you love me and that you always felt loved by me. I would want to know if you were afraid the night you died or if you felt any pain. I would also want to know what you think about the person I am without you and If I have made you proud. I want nothing more than to make you proud of me but I worry that I'm not doing a good enough job. This world is so different now without you here. I can't explain it. I feel like I am constantly spinning my wheels and running full speed ahead in the attempt to "find myself". It's daunting and takes a toll on me every time I slow down long enough to realize that I am nowhere close to feeling comfortable in my own skin much less in this world without you. I'm also (still) very confused as to why I have never and don't ever feel you around me. The closest I have gotten to feeling your presence is when I'm around friends or family and I think I see you out of the corner of my eye or hear your voice in another room. I absolutely hate these moments because for a millisecond I have an overwhelming sense of false hope and excitement which quickly turns into an overwhelming unbearable feeling of sadness and pain. Every time a moment like this occurs, I am automatically thrown back into the worst part of my reality...knowing that I will never see you again. Not in this lifetime anyway.
Since you left me, I've gotten really good at pushing past things that may hurt me (like the passing of my Grandfather, Pa John) in fear that if I sit too long I will slowly submerge myself into that deep dark pit that took me so long to climb out of. I hate that place. I don't what hell is like but it's got to be the closest thing to it. I'm scared that if I ever go back there, I won't come out alive. Like I said earlier, I still feel like I'm waiting on something. Something to happen. Something to not happen. I don't know what it is but it's unsettling and I wish that feeling would go away. I can't help but think that it may be because I don't really believe your gone and I'm still waiting on you to walk through the door. If thats what it is, when will I move past it? I wish you would give me some sort of sign to let me know that I am going to be okay. I miss you so much.
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The Mumford and Sons song "After the Storm" explains how I feel:
And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come,
And I look up, I look up,
On my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day,
You must know life to see decay,
But I won't rot, I won't rot,
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand,
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your hurt, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And now I cling to what I knew,
I saw exactly what was true,
But oh no more.
Thats why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
I will die alone and be left there.
Well, I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well, I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
_________________________________________________________________________________
"I search through my dreams to find you" - Ryan Bingham
"I would trade all of my tomorrows for a single yesterday" - Janis Joplin
*When I take the time to reflect on my grief process...where I have been and where I am now, I would like to think that I am doing okay. On a day-to-day basis, these are a few things that have gotten a little better/easier:
- I don't dread getting out of the bed every morning and I usually do it without tears now
- I smile a little more
- I can go a few days without an absolute breakdown...and thats a HUGE accomplishment
- I don't feel sick to my stomach every time I hear his name. I use to cringe because I would look for him when I heard "Barrier". I guess I've gotten use to it.
- Being "alone" is starting to feel somewhat normal.
- The feeling of absolute hopefulness is not as "constant" now as it was in the past. And when this feeling presents itself, I have more strength to push it away.
- I'm learning how to wade through the emotional aftermath alone...and not call a friend or family member every time I have a breakdown. There's only so much you can explain to people and the rest is so private.
- The overwhelming panic attacks are getting fewer and far between and I welcome this with open arms.
- I sleep a little bit better ... sometimes
*Things that have not changed:
- I can't get used to being alone at night...it's the hardest part of my day.
- Certain pictures still knock me to my knees.
- The trauma of Barrier's death (from me finding him, screaming, pleading with God...to burying him and picking out a headstone) still shakes me to my core and I'm certain the effects of that awful day will never dissipate and it will never leave me. It's a part of who I am now and forever will be.
- The whole "widow" label...very weird and very hard to get used to. People automatically look at you different when you say the word and I hate it.
- The images. Those horrible images of that day are instilled in my mind forever and present themselves on a very regular basis in mini-episode fashion. I know in my heart that they will be with me forever. They may fade in time but they will never leave me.
- I'm still waiting. For what, I don't know.
- Trying to find balance again seems impossible at times
- People still don't talk about Barrier as much as I would like them to. Not talking about him makes me feel like he didn't exist sometimes
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Barrier,
I can't put into any amount of words what I would tell you if I had the chance at one more conversation. Each waking minute brings the possibility of a thought that has the unwelcome power to throw me back into my "old life" with you. Each time one of these moments presents itself, I struggle with the question of whether or not I should crumble into a million pieces and melt into a pile of grief or push it aside with the courage to continue on. If I could have one more conversation with you I would want to hear you say that you love me and that you always felt loved by me. I would want to know if you were afraid the night you died or if you felt any pain. I would also want to know what you think about the person I am without you and If I have made you proud. I want nothing more than to make you proud of me but I worry that I'm not doing a good enough job. This world is so different now without you here. I can't explain it. I feel like I am constantly spinning my wheels and running full speed ahead in the attempt to "find myself". It's daunting and takes a toll on me every time I slow down long enough to realize that I am nowhere close to feeling comfortable in my own skin much less in this world without you. I'm also (still) very confused as to why I have never and don't ever feel you around me. The closest I have gotten to feeling your presence is when I'm around friends or family and I think I see you out of the corner of my eye or hear your voice in another room. I absolutely hate these moments because for a millisecond I have an overwhelming sense of false hope and excitement which quickly turns into an overwhelming unbearable feeling of sadness and pain. Every time a moment like this occurs, I am automatically thrown back into the worst part of my reality...knowing that I will never see you again. Not in this lifetime anyway.
Since you left me, I've gotten really good at pushing past things that may hurt me (like the passing of my Grandfather, Pa John) in fear that if I sit too long I will slowly submerge myself into that deep dark pit that took me so long to climb out of. I hate that place. I don't what hell is like but it's got to be the closest thing to it. I'm scared that if I ever go back there, I won't come out alive. Like I said earlier, I still feel like I'm waiting on something. Something to happen. Something to not happen. I don't know what it is but it's unsettling and I wish that feeling would go away. I can't help but think that it may be because I don't really believe your gone and I'm still waiting on you to walk through the door. If thats what it is, when will I move past it? I wish you would give me some sort of sign to let me know that I am going to be okay. I miss you so much.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Mumford and Sons song "After the Storm" explains how I feel:
And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come,
And I look up, I look up,
On my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day,
You must know life to see decay,
But I won't rot, I won't rot,
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand,
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your hurt, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And now I cling to what I knew,
I saw exactly what was true,
But oh no more.
Thats why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
I will die alone and be left there.
Well, I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well, I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
_________________________________________________________________________________
"I search through my dreams to find you" - Ryan Bingham
"I would trade all of my tomorrows for a single yesterday" - Janis Joplin
2/1/12
February Already?
I can't believe it's already February!!! So much has happened since my last blog post. After Barrier's death I knew in my heart that I did not want to stay in our home...not without him. As much as I absolutely love this house we have made a home and this wonderful neighborhood where I am constantly surrounded by my best friends in the world, I can't do it. I want this house to remain full of great memories of Bear and I don't want to make new memories here if he's not included.
So, with that being said, I decided to sell. I have prayed, pondered and cried over this decision and worried myself sick if I was making the "right" move. Then Megan and Josh Williamson contacted me about the house and the rest is history. Before I could even put it on the market it was sold! Like in a week, literally! I knew in my heart that this must be a sign from above :) I am scared and very sad but I feel this decision is the right one for me at this point in my life. My last day at 136 Crossland Road will be Sunday, February the 12th. In two weeks! My feelings are all over the board and I know it will only get tougher as the days wind down. My heart skips a beat every time I think of leaving this place. I had to let him go three months ago (still feels like yesterday) and now I am having to say goodbye to our home and our wonderful life we built together. I am still angry with the situation but more than anything, I am sad.
I don’t understand or like my relationship with God right now because it’s very inconsistent. My faith comes and goes on a daily/hourly basis and sometimes I believe and sometimes I don’t. The last three months of my life have been a roller coaster ride through hell with very few moments of peace and solitude and I still have a very long road ahead of me to say the least. I do know one thing that I have faith in and that is friends! You know who you are and you know how much each of you mean to me (and meant to Bear). I can not begin to thank you for all you have done for me and continue to do on a daily basis. I have the most FABULOUS angel in heaven but I have so many here on earth! Ya’ll have been a guiding light for me through this difficult time in my life and I want all of you to know that I will always be here for you. It’s amazing where you find your strength when you don’t think you have any left...and for that I will always be thankful.
12/31/11
12/23/11
Dear You....
Barrier,
Tomorrow will be my first Christmas Eve without you and my heart is broken into a million pieces. I am so sad it hurts. I am thankful for my wonderful family and friends but I am so lost without you here. I heard a song the other day by Ryan Adams and one part says "I will come for you when my time here is through". That's how I feel. My time here on earth is not over but when it's time for me to go... I will come for you. I love you more and more each day and I still can't believe I am having to go forward without you by my side. You were my husband and my best friend and I would give anything to have 5 more minutes just to sit with you. Just to look at you. Just to touch you. My love for you is overwhelming and I'm not sure my heart will ever feel whole or happy again. I'm still waiting for this nightmare to end...and it never does. Please give me a sign that your around me. I love you.
Tomorrow will be my first Christmas Eve without you and my heart is broken into a million pieces. I am so sad it hurts. I am thankful for my wonderful family and friends but I am so lost without you here. I heard a song the other day by Ryan Adams and one part says "I will come for you when my time here is through". That's how I feel. My time here on earth is not over but when it's time for me to go... I will come for you. I love you more and more each day and I still can't believe I am having to go forward without you by my side. You were my husband and my best friend and I would give anything to have 5 more minutes just to sit with you. Just to look at you. Just to touch you. My love for you is overwhelming and I'm not sure my heart will ever feel whole or happy again. I'm still waiting for this nightmare to end...and it never does. Please give me a sign that your around me. I love you.
12/11/11
I......
I HATE me without YOU.
Every time I lay my head on a pillow......I wonder if your comfortable
Every time night falls.....I worry that your alone
Every time my hands or feet get cold...... I wonder if yours are cold as well
Every time I eat...I worry that you may be hungry
Every time I'm in traffic, I can hear you saying "Benny, I swear...I think you speed-up when you see break lights".
Every time (not that often) that I sleep.....I worry that you may be tired and can't rest
Every time I smile (not that often either)..... I wonder if your smiling
Every time I look at my ring.....I think about your Pawn Shop ring....and it makes me laugh
Every time I cry..... I wonder if you cry with me
Every time Charlie looks at me.....I wonder if its you looking back
Every time I walk by a picture of you.....it sets me back a thousand years
Every time I think of "moving forward" I can't seem to do it because...........the best part of me was YOU
Every time I think of your Mom, Jam, and Clem....I HATE that you will not be able to see them as mothers, fathers and grandparents. And most of all...that it won't be US bringing that joy
Every time I look at my Mom and Dad.....I see hurt and a longing to have YOU back
Every time I look at my brother's and sister.....I see "a God" they worshiped and will continue to until the day they die
Every time I think of you....I KNOW in my heart that I was "privelaged" to have been your wife and best friend. My heart aches and I miss you so bad it truelly feels like my heart is slowly being ripped from my body!
Barrier,
I try every day to hold my head high and be proud of the years I had with you. I know everything about you, inside and out. I know all of your flaws and imperfections (which I found VERY attractive) and all your positive aspects (there's too many to count). I know that I am only 28 but I truly do not think I will EVER find someone as perfect as you. I know it sounds selfish, but who is going to love me like you did? You knew everything about me, the terrible and the good! And I loved the way you loved me. Like I always told you "You are Honey made-over". Every time I looked at you, I saw Honey starring back at me. Other than my Dad and my own Grandfathers, Honey was One-of-a-Kind and so were YOU.
I'm pissed off because I feel like you left me but I'm more pissed off that God stole you from me. But I do have faith and I know this to be true because everytime I think of you, I see you sitting next to Mamoo, Honey, Nell, Doo-Dah, MeMe, etc. So I obviously know in my heart that Heaven exist. I'm just really mad that your there and not here with me.
Every time I lay my head on a pillow......I wonder if your comfortable
Every time night falls.....I worry that your alone
Every time my hands or feet get cold...... I wonder if yours are cold as well
Every time I eat...I worry that you may be hungry
Every time I'm in traffic, I can hear you saying "Benny, I swear...I think you speed-up when you see break lights".
Every time (not that often) that I sleep.....I worry that you may be tired and can't rest
Every time I smile (not that often either)..... I wonder if your smiling
Every time I look at my ring.....I think about your Pawn Shop ring....and it makes me laugh
Every time I cry..... I wonder if you cry with me
Every time Charlie looks at me.....I wonder if its you looking back
Every time I walk by a picture of you.....it sets me back a thousand years
Every time I think of "moving forward" I can't seem to do it because...........the best part of me was YOU
Every time I think of your Mom, Jam, and Clem....I HATE that you will not be able to see them as mothers, fathers and grandparents. And most of all...that it won't be US bringing that joy
Every time I look at my Mom and Dad.....I see hurt and a longing to have YOU back
Every time I look at my brother's and sister.....I see "a God" they worshiped and will continue to until the day they die
Every time I think of you....I KNOW in my heart that I was "privelaged" to have been your wife and best friend. My heart aches and I miss you so bad it truelly feels like my heart is slowly being ripped from my body!
Barrier,
I try every day to hold my head high and be proud of the years I had with you. I know everything about you, inside and out. I know all of your flaws and imperfections (which I found VERY attractive) and all your positive aspects (there's too many to count). I know that I am only 28 but I truly do not think I will EVER find someone as perfect as you. I know it sounds selfish, but who is going to love me like you did? You knew everything about me, the terrible and the good! And I loved the way you loved me. Like I always told you "You are Honey made-over". Every time I looked at you, I saw Honey starring back at me. Other than my Dad and my own Grandfathers, Honey was One-of-a-Kind and so were YOU.
I'm pissed off because I feel like you left me but I'm more pissed off that God stole you from me. But I do have faith and I know this to be true because everytime I think of you, I see you sitting next to Mamoo, Honey, Nell, Doo-Dah, MeMe, etc. So I obviously know in my heart that Heaven exist. I'm just really mad that your there and not here with me.
12/2/11
Yesterday and Today
Yesterday was a good and exciting day! Holly, my cousin, is expecting her second child in February and I went with her for an ultra-sound. We got to see little Ben in 4D and it was truly incredible. It makes me realize how special and short life can be. Thank you Holly for bringing joy into my life for a day! I love you.
Today...not so good. I 'm sitting at the computer, balling my eyes out for no special reason other than I miss Barrier so bad I don't know what do do! Sounds come out of me that I've never heard before and it scares me. Today is Friday and I don't care. I've now been without him for 1 month and 9 days and I have no idea what I have done in this period of time. I doubt my sanity and my memory sometimes and days seem to run together. I miss him so bad it hurts and day-to-day activities don't count without him here. I've been told that I need to "find balance" in my life again but I'm having a very hard time doing so. My life doesn't seem like it's ever going to be balanced again without him. How do I find balance when the only thing I need to "balance" me is Bear? I hate this. Barrier is gone and I realize that to a certain extent but I still feel like I'm waiting on him to come home. He's suppose to be here...with me. I can't believe it's already December. I feel like I've left him behind somewhere and I need to go back and get him so he can "celebrate" the holidays with me. What am I going to do?????????
Today...not so good. I 'm sitting at the computer, balling my eyes out for no special reason other than I miss Barrier so bad I don't know what do do! Sounds come out of me that I've never heard before and it scares me. Today is Friday and I don't care. I've now been without him for 1 month and 9 days and I have no idea what I have done in this period of time. I doubt my sanity and my memory sometimes and days seem to run together. I miss him so bad it hurts and day-to-day activities don't count without him here. I've been told that I need to "find balance" in my life again but I'm having a very hard time doing so. My life doesn't seem like it's ever going to be balanced again without him. How do I find balance when the only thing I need to "balance" me is Bear? I hate this. Barrier is gone and I realize that to a certain extent but I still feel like I'm waiting on him to come home. He's suppose to be here...with me. I can't believe it's already December. I feel like I've left him behind somewhere and I need to go back and get him so he can "celebrate" the holidays with me. What am I going to do?????????
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