LOVE

Let me tell you just how much I love you….

I don’t remember the first time we met (in high school) but I do remember thinking you were the hottest guy around!!! You had long, shaggy blonde hair, a really cool name AND you played the guitar! I don’t think I was the only girl who felt this way about you J I remember thinking you were sooooooo out of my league…and you were. For a while anyway. Then we started hanging out with Annie and Chris. Oh what I would give to be able to repeat those summer nights. I fell in love right away. It was a young, crazy “summer love” but it was there. Then you went back to graduate from Manchester and then on to Ole Miss. Three years went by before I ever saw you again….at Mugshot’s in Hattiesburg J You later told me I was “the hottest thing you had ever seen!” And that was back in my “fat” days so I appreciated that. You called a few nights later and the rest was history! I know I told you many times over these eight years how much I loved you but I don’t think I said it enough. So I will tell you now:

These are just a few of the things I loved about YOU:
-The way you talked. With that “Yazoo City” twang

-Your hairy chest! It was my most favorite of all your parts J

-The way you said my name…or my nickname “Benny”

-The way you sang while playing the guitar. Except for that one song!

-The way you smelled. Clean or dirty

-The way you wanted to take care of everyone. Especially your Mom, Jam and Clemm

-The fact that YOU were the only person on the face of the earth that could make me feel better and the
only person who could calm me down when you said I was acting like “Osama Bin Jenny”

-The way you laughed and the way you made me laugh

-The way you made me feel protected every time we held hands

-The way you made ME a better person

-The way you loved our animals ….and all the strays I brought home J

-The way your footsteps sounded walking around the house

-The way you loved my family as much as your own

-The fact that you never met a stranger and everyone who knew you loved you

-The way you “tried” to cook gourmet meals…but they were good!

-The way your smooth or hairy face felt against mine

-The way you took care of our garden. Very meticulously

-The way you went on sporadic runs

-The way you loved Charlie and the way he loved you back

-The way you made a life for us. And it was a damn good one!

I could go on for days explaining all the things I loved/love about you, but most of all…I loved the way you loved me!

Fried Chicken Sunday’s

Who am I today? Today I am living. Living without Barrier on our “fried chicken” Sunday. For those who knew us (from back in the day), we always ate fried chicken and lounged around on Sunday’s. Periodically we would ride to the farm for the afternoon but today I am going to do neither. Because that was “our” thing and it’s just me now. I have to find a way to create my “today’s”. That seems impossible but I realize that I have to live. Easier said than done.The most realistic attitude for me to have toward the future is “it will be interesting to see what happens.”
I don’t know what “stage” of grief I’m in BUT I do know this one sucks! I feel as though I’m simply existing. I’m a control freak and right now I can’t control anything and I feel defeated! I have very few moments of clear peace and I struggle through those. I live minute-by-minute and the only thing I know for sure is that I’m confused and unable to grasp reality. I read somewhere to “Accept what is. That is what is required. Accept reality as reality is to me now. Don’t fight a fact, deal with it” I’m trying, but it’s hard. I don’t want to accept the fact that the love of my life is gone forever. I am nothing without you.

What is clear to Thee….please make clear to me!!!

I will try to remember:It’s impossible…All things are possible
I’m too tired…I will give you rest
Nobody love me…I love you
I can’t figure this out…I will direct you
I can’t go on…My grace is sufficient
I can’t do it…You can do all things
I’m not able…I am able
It’s not worth it…It will be worth it
I can’t forgive myself…I forgive you
I can’t manage…I will supply all your needs
I’m afraid…I’ve not given you fear
I’m worried…Cast all your cares on Me
I’m not smart…I will give you wisdom
I’m depressed…I am your stronghold
I’m confused…I will guide you into truth
I am weak…I am mighty
I am weary…Do not give up
I have no peace…I will guard your heart
I am in trouble…I will deliver you
I’m brokenhearted…I will heal you
I can’t find you…Seek with all your heart
I am sinful…Sin will not master you
I am anxious…Give me your anxiety
I need counsel…I will instruct you
I am tempted…Resist the devil