Mad

I'm mad! So mad! I have had an awful 2 weeks of desperately missing you! Tonight I got home and for the first time, I put on the last shirt you ever wore. It still smells like you...maybe it doesn't but I want to believe it does so bad. Have I forgotten what you smell like? I think if I let myself believe that, I would fade away. So I'm okay with possibly letting my mind trick me. I will hold onto anything that makes me feel like your somewhere around me. I'm an absolute mess without you and I'm truly scared that I will never be okay. The pain I feel is so unbearable at times...and for some reason, those times are starting to reveal themselves more and more often. I made myself believe that with time, it may get easier, but it seems to be the complete opposite. I not only lost you on October 23rd, but I lost me. My Mom and Dad lost pieces of a daughter. Alex, Cade and Tanner lost pieces of a sister. I just want to be with you. Thats all I want.

Do you know what it feels like to have a heart that struggles to beat without you? There are no words to describe what it feels like to know that it could possibly be a very long time before I see you again. I want to scream and give up. Do you even hear me????? And if you do, why don't you give me some hope so I can survive this miserable life without you? I don't want to hate. I don't want to be bitter and mad. I don't want to lose faith. I just can't believe your gone. I am in this ALONE. Yes...I have more friends and family than anyone could ask for, but I am alone in my pain. It's a daily struggle to find any reasoning in your death. You literally consume my thoughts every minute of every day. It;s enough to make anyone want to surrender. On one hand, I want to say "damn it, I am going to survive this" and on the other, I want to say "enough is enough, I'm tired of the pain".

I feel mad at you also because I lost my grandfather 3 months ago and I can't bring myself to grieve his death because you consume my every thought. I feel nothing. I feel nothing but the misery of losing you. I feel like I have missed out on my brothers and sister lives because I can't get beyond my thoughts. I care. I care so much about my family but I feel absent in their lives because I'm consumed with the misery of losing you. I literally just "try to survive" every damn day. I've gotten REALLY good at putting on a happy face...and that scares me. Because after the day is done, I come home alone and desperately grieve for you. Every night. It's horrible. It feels like my insides are being ripped out and trampled on. I'm shocked I still a have heart that feels for anyone else other than myself because I worry sometimes that I will grieve to the point of non-existence.

I'm TIRED:
Of waking up without you
Of cooking dinner for 1 every night
Of not being able to hear you, touch you, see you
Of crying
Of wanting to give up
Of feeling physically sick at the thought of your absence
Of questioning my existence
Of not living...just merely existing
Of making myself tread through the hours of the day
Of crying myself to sleep and having nightmares due to the constant re-play of October 23rd
Of trying to figure out why God took you and not ME?
Of just wanting to go to sleep and have a "good" dream of you near me. Has never happened.

I'm tired of hating myself for not being in the bed with Bear that night...If I would have been by his side, I would have heard him, felt him, saved him. And he would still be here. So to: Clemmie, Jam, Mrs. Angie and Mr. Van, I am so sorry. To: My Mom, Dad, Cade, Tanner, Alex, and everyone else. I'm so sorry.

I will never forgive myself for not being there when he needed me the most. I will/and do live with that guilt every day of my life. I failed him and ultimately failed all of you. It's unforgivable.
Do you know what it feels like to know that he may have been struggling and I was NOT there? I'm a light sleeper, so I know in my heart, that I would have known that something was wrong. But I wasn't there. I'm the only one that could have kept him alive and I wasn't there! I wonder all the time if he laid there wondering where I was. Did he reach for me across the bed and find nothing? Do you know what it feels like to think that he may have called out for me and I never showed??? He never would have failed me like I did him.  Maybe thats why God left me here...to punish me for failing Bear. I get that.

Every day is a lifetime without you