I have had a million people ask me why I wasn't writing anymore and the truth is... I have not been writing on my blog because it seems to re-open horrible wounds that I've gotten really good at patching-up and ignoring but I've decided that I need to "deal" again in order to heal in the healthiest manner. It's hard to come back here though. I'm usually at a loss for words or I'm simply afraid of what words will come out when I start typing. Feelings are feelings but they seem more intense when I put pen-to-paper and actually re-read my thoughts. I just got through scanning over some of my past posts and I can't believe what our families have been through and that I'm still here...standing. Reading back, it makes me so thankful for God's patience and the amazing people that have walked beside me, step-by-step, through this unimaginably horrible time in my life. I believe the last time I posted anything was in February and so much has happened since then. Among many things, I sold our home, celebrated Bear's 30th Birthday without him, lost my Grandfather and moved to Birmingham. I am now getting ready to attend Clemmie's college graduation (he would be so proud) and celebrate my first birthday without him since I was 19.
*When I take the time to reflect on my grief process...where I have been and where I am now, I would like to think that I am doing okay. On a day-to-day basis, these are a few things that have gotten a little better/easier:
- I don't dread getting out of the bed every morning and I usually do it without tears now
- I smile a little more
- I can go a few days without an absolute breakdown...and thats a HUGE accomplishment
- I don't feel sick to my stomach every time I hear his name. I use to cringe because I would look for him when I heard "Barrier". I guess I've gotten use to it.
- Being "alone" is starting to feel somewhat normal.
- The feeling of absolute hopefulness is not as "constant" now as it was in the past. And when this feeling presents itself, I have more strength to push it away.
- I'm learning how to wade through the emotional aftermath alone...and not call a friend or family member every time I have a breakdown. There's only so much you can explain to people and the rest is so private.
- The overwhelming panic attacks are getting fewer and far between and I welcome this with open arms.
- I sleep a little bit better ... sometimes
*Things that have not changed:
- I can't get used to being alone at night...it's the hardest part of my day.
- Certain pictures still knock me to my knees.
- The trauma of Barrier's death (from me finding him, screaming, pleading with God...to burying him and picking out a headstone) still shakes me to my core and I'm certain the effects of that awful day will never dissipate and it will never leave me. It's a part of who I am now and forever will be.
- The whole "widow" label...very weird and very hard to get used to. People automatically look at you different when you say the word and I hate it.
- The images. Those horrible images of that day are instilled in my mind forever and present themselves on a very regular basis in mini-episode fashion. I know in my heart that they will be with me forever. They may fade in time but they will never leave me.
- I'm still waiting. For what, I don't know.
- Trying to find balance again seems impossible at times
- People still don't talk about Barrier as much as I would like them to. Not talking about him makes me feel like he didn't exist sometimes
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Barrier,
I can't put into any amount of words what I would tell you if I had the chance at one more conversation. Each waking minute brings the possibility of a thought that has the unwelcome power to throw me back into my "old life" with you. Each time one of these moments presents itself, I struggle with the question of whether or not I should crumble into a million pieces and melt into a pile of grief or push it aside with the courage to continue on. If I could have one more conversation with you I would want to hear you say that you love me and that you always felt loved by me. I would want to know if you were afraid the night you died or if you felt any pain. I would also want to know what you think about the person I am without you and If I have made you proud. I want nothing more than to make you proud of me but I worry that I'm not doing a good enough job. This world is so different now without you here. I can't explain it. I feel like I am constantly spinning my wheels and running full speed ahead in the attempt to "find myself". It's daunting and takes a toll on me every time I slow down long enough to realize that I am nowhere close to feeling comfortable in my own skin much less in this world without you. I'm also (still) very confused as to why I have never and don't ever feel you around me. The closest I have gotten to feeling your presence is when I'm around friends or family and I think I see you out of the corner of my eye or hear your voice in another room. I absolutely hate these moments because for a millisecond I have an overwhelming sense of false hope and excitement which quickly turns into an overwhelming unbearable feeling of sadness and pain. Every time a moment like this occurs, I am automatically thrown back into the worst part of my reality...knowing that I will never see you again. Not in this lifetime anyway.
Since you left me, I've gotten really good at pushing past things that may hurt me (like the passing of my Grandfather, Pa John) in fear that if I sit too long I will slowly submerge myself into that deep dark pit that took me so long to climb out of. I hate that place. I don't what hell is like but it's got to be the closest thing to it. I'm scared that if I ever go back there, I won't come out alive. Like I said earlier, I still feel like I'm waiting on something. Something to happen. Something to not happen. I don't know what it is but it's unsettling and I wish that feeling would go away. I can't help but think that it may be because I don't really believe your gone and I'm still waiting on you to walk through the door. If thats what it is, when will I move past it? I wish you would give me some sort of sign to let me know that I am going to be okay. I miss you so much.
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The Mumford and Sons song "After the Storm" explains how I feel:
And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come,
And I look up, I look up,
On my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day,
You must know life to see decay,
But I won't rot, I won't rot,
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand,
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your hurt, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And now I cling to what I knew,
I saw exactly what was true,
But oh no more.
Thats why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
I will die alone and be left there.
Well, I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well, I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
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"I search through my dreams to find you" - Ryan Bingham
"I would trade all of my tomorrows for a single yesterday" - Janis Joplin
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